Fear......That is what has kept me from writing or speaking this long over due update!
As a missionary there is a certain standard that people have for you, well let me just tell you I fail that standard daily, hourly even. I am so glad that God uses us even when we are broken, and wretched. He might even actually prefer that!
Many of you know our lives were recently turned upside down! What we knew to be our lives, and our purpose changed in the span of 24 hours. We couldn't believe that we would have to say such final goodbyes to the people and the home that we had come to love! We found purpose and joy in the life that God had given us in Madagascar! We loved deeply, and we gave all that God had given us to invest in the lives of the people we were serving in Madagascar! We were seeing amazing things happening in the lives of the people we were serving, and the thought of leaving when we had just began was devastating! I was left with so many questions on what would happen to those who had just placed their lives in the hands of Jesus, and who would help them as Jesus helped the disciples navigate life. Would their new faith be strong enough to endure the constant oppression of ancestor worship, witch craft, and the suffering that comes with believing? I was left with so many questions, doubts, and fears for them!
However....... As my mind was spinning with the questions of why; it became clear that God had used the perfect timing to save the precious little one that is growing inside of me. As I went to some of my first appointments I was so grateful and excited to see my little guy, and make sure he was healthy. But that excitement quickly turned into fear as it became clear that I would have lost my little boy due to an incompetent cervix( google it, if you haven't heard of it, most moms only find out after they have already lost their baby that they have this problem). Thankfully God had given the doctors reason to do some extra checking in an ultrasound and found out in time to keep the little guy in there longer! They placed a device in me that they hoped would help keep the baby from making an much too early entrance into this world. As I was only 18 weeks at that point. They also put me on bed rest until they could see if their device would work as they had hoped. A week later I went back to see how the device was working, and it appeared that all was good, the doctors then told me I could begin to increase my activity level, no running marathons, but I could leave the house and bed! I thought finally we were headed in the direction of a healthy baby. I was relieved, and for the first time I wasn't worried about every move causing the loss of my already very much loved little boy! I was praising God for the miracle of his timing in bringing us home, and for catching the problem in time to save him!
How quickly those praises seemed to go to the back of my mind and the fears surfaced once again. On Monday Kurtis and I headed to a doc appointment, and as we sat and watched our healthy baby on the ultrasound screen we were filled with awe, and gratefulness! Then the news came once again that the problem with my cervix was worse, and that the risk for losing the baby was incredibly high. As I sat with the 2 doctors (perinatologists) they told me there were not many options left to try, and that we need to pray for a miracle for this baby to survive. They placed me on bedrest, and will see me again tomorrow. Tomorrow they might try a emergent cerclage, but they didn't seem hopeful that it would work, and the risk of the surgery is that they would cause my water to break and I would deliver my little boy much to early to survive. The doctor then took my hand, and my husbands hand and she prayed for us, and our little boy!
So, I sit here writing this update because and I am in a broken, confused, hurt, and constantly battling the fear of all that is happening. Tears fall from my eyes as I cherish every kick I feel, wondering if this would be that last one. While I am grateful for each new day that I have with my little guy, I am worried that it could be the last. Most people are concerned about me having to lay in a bed all day, but I would lay in this bed everyday for the rest of my life it it meant that this little guy would arrive safe and healthy into this world!
So as a terrible missionary confessing the doubt, and fear, and constant battle to trust that God's plan is the best I ask that, you would join me in lifting up in prayer my little guy, the doctors who will be making hard decisions, and Kurtis and I as we struggle through this journey! Although I struggle daily to place the life of my little guy in the hands of God, I am grateful that he is a loving God, and He created this life inside of me, and His plan is always the best. Even though the feelings of fear, and hurt crowd in, they do not determine or sway the truth that God is faithful and good. I pray my heart will continue to praise him, and find rest in him through this difficult time! Please join with me!
